Let Go (story)

LET GO

BY Sudeshna Maharzan

“Sometimes, you just got to let go.” They say. Let go of everything. Let go of the painful bonds with things and most importantly people. They are better off away. Good for you and good for them. Maybe you deserve better, something you never imagined. But my question is “What if the person you thought was closest to you and the person you could be trusted, gave up on you, leaving you behind, away, to bear every pain alone?’’ My dad died 10 years ago and mom followed in one year. I am the only child in my family not because my mom couldn’t reproduce but because we were terribly poor. Maybe that was the reason why I never had the feeling of having a sibling. I was alone, but I was not lonely. And maybe that was also the reason why I didn’t meet people so easily because I didn’t want them to know that we were poor; I didn’t want them to feel pity on us. I hate to be pitied on. That was also the reason why I never knew the meaning of ‘Love’. And when I actually found one, something happened. Maybe the faith didn’t want to see me happy. So, it changed my life in just one shot. If only my parents hadn’t die, If only, I would have been a better parent, if only I would have let Sarah do what she wanted, if only I went to George’s office a minute later, if only I could have just stayed alone forever, if only I could have been a bit more careful about relationships, if only…. After my parents died, I had to wander across every street in Dublin in search of a job. Every street knew me. I did this until I met him. His name was George Thompson, a successful businessman who happened to meet me on a day as sunny as today. He gave me a job as a maid. Afterwards we fell in love and got married. That day was one of the best days of my life. I was extremely happy. In the second year of our marriage we had a handsome son. We named him Richard. Sarah followed four years later. Richard was 19 and Sarah was 15. We had a happy life, a beautiful life. But that didn’t last long. If only I had been a better parent. It all happened in a bright summer day. I was preparing Sarah for school. Everything was normal0. Except that it had been a week since Richard’s suicide. He had cut his hand. Everybody was shocked to hear the news. A handsome, young and intelligent teenage boy had suicided? Everybody wanted to know the reason why. It was because the girl named Rosaline who had broken up with him. Was it worth it? Were that girl’s words so hard and expensive that it broke the strong heart of my son and cost his life? Sarah went to depression and didn’t eat and drink anything till 4 days. George didn’t talk with me for 4 days. Like everyone else, I also blamed myself for his death. If only I had been a better parent. I prepared Sarah and sent her to school while she moaned that she didn’t want to. George went to office in usual time. Everything was so normal that sometimes I expected Richard to come home and say, “Mom! I am hungry!” I was cleaning my room on the second floor when the phone rang. I put my mop down and rushed for the phone. A hoarse voice spoke: “Hello? Mrs. Jacqline Thompson?” “Yes? It’s me but who’s this?” “I am from the National Hospital? “Yes?” My heart started to race. “Uh…. (Silence) “ The only thing I remember is throwing the receiver down and rushing for the hospital. The words, “You’re daughter is here.” Thump-thump “She met with an accident on the road while going to school” thump-thump “She is in serious Coma.” Thump-thump “Maybe she won’t ever come back” started to roam around my mind. I still remember pleading for my daughter’s life with the doctor. If only I had let Sarah stay in home today. If only…. I tried to call George but his mobile was turned off. So, I went over to his office with balloon eyes. I felt like vomiting the whole time. The staff inside the office started to look at me with pitiful eyes. ‘Had they known that my daughter is going to die? And Richard already has?’ I thought. I banged over George’s office doors unconsciously. I was shocked by the scenery. I disbelieved my eyes. A young lady much more beautiful than me sat on George’s lap and they both were laughing. After that George broke up with me forever. He said our marriage was a failure, that our relationship was not strong. I could say nothing. My whole body went numb. If only my parents hadn’t die, If only, I would have been a better parent, if only I would have let Sarah do what she wanted, if only I went to George’s office a minute later, if only I could have just stayed alone forever, if only I could have been a bit more careful about relationships, if only…. Then I wouldn’t have been where I am standing now, on top of the tallest building in whole Dublin, closing my eyes, ready to jump anytime. A tear fell every time a picture came into my mind. It looked like the city itself was teasing me. Cool breeze consoling me to jump. The sky played with the stars as a provocation. People rushing here and there, little do they know that a woman is standing on the highest peak ready to jump anytime. The only thing that led me here was, I failed to ‘let go’…